The best player from 1986

Kylian Mbappé and an earworm that is not music to PSG's ears

IN AN MBAPPÉ HE'S GONE?

Kylian Mbappé did a penalty against Benfica on Tuesday night, and it made him the all-time leading Big Cup goalscorer for Paris Saint-Germain. Setting aside the fact that it's a statistic worth the square root of eff all – for the record, he's now scored 31 eurogoals for les Rouge-et-Bleu, one more than PSG's other Big Cup nearly man Edinson Cavani, but really, whatever – that should have been the big story of the evening. However, the mood music around Mbappé drowned all of that out ... much to The Fiver's chagrin, given his name is effectively an instant Hanson earworm, and if we have to suffer it then so do you. Ba doo ba doo mmm bop ba doo ba doo do doo mmm baby shark. You're welcome.

But it's not music to PSG's ears either, because their star striker – some status seeing him's playing alongside Lionel Messi and Neymar – wants away. That’s something of a shock seeing Mbappé had snubbed Real Madrid in the summer to sign a new £650,000-a-week contract, but now he wants to snub PSG and his new £650,000-a-week contract to sign for Real Madrid. Eh? It's an abrupt about-turn that makes The Fiver's pea brain hurt – can't everyone just be happy with their lot [takes gulp of Tin] like the Fiver is? – and seems to be the result of PSG supposedly reneging on a promise to sign Robert Lewandowski, Bernardo Silva and Inter defender Milan Skriniar, while sending Neymar bouncing down the Autoroute du Sud on his backside, back to Barcelona or whoever else in Spain will take Neymar him, so fast his shorts have sparks and smoke coming out of them.

This so-called failure of the club to do exactly what a 23-year-old big barn wants has caused Mbappé to feel “upset”, according to a report on Big Website from Fabrizio Romano, who may well be sending out an “On y va!” tweet about the player rather sooner than he expected. Mbappé, who is also apparently annoyed at being asked to play as a No 9, as opposed to his preferred position on the left, has therefore decided that his needs and wants will be better served at the Bernabéu, and is accordingly agitating for a January move. However, PSG are digging their heels in, insisting they won't sell, or will sell to anyone but Madrid, while also publicly denying there's any problem at all. All of which contradictory nonsense suggests this story will run and run all the way until the end of January/time. And you thought that earworm we've given you was irritating enough.